What Stace had to say on Monday, September 3rd, 2007
Special Guest Blogger: My Husband

So…you’re sitting watching TV and you glance over to your loving wife who has this look of serious concern on her face. She’s been a little quiet and withdrawn since you got home from work tonight. You’ve tried to give her some space wondering if she just had a bad day. But now it’s later in the evening, and things appear to have worsened.

You wonder if it’s the TV show you’re watching. You wonder if it’s the dream you told her about starring the nubile young co-worker (Note: Yes, he actually did tell me about it.) You wonder if it’s the credit card bill that just arrived that gives tell-tale details about just HOW much money you’ve spent on comic books this month. You wonder if it’s the effect all those cream cakes re having on your mid-section.

You wonder…you wonder…

You cautiously move in closer, wondering if maybe she’s found that stack of magazines featuring the Japanese women who like the black PVC and red lollipops that are hidden behind the shoebox in the closet. Maybe she’s spent this week’s entire food budget on Grey Goose and cranberry juice and she’s trying to think of a good way to tell you. Maybe she’s had bad news earlier in the day that she has yet to share with you. Maybe she’s pregnant. Maybe she’s on lithium. Maybe she been carrying on with half of what’s left of Lynyrd Skynyrd and she’s trying again to remember which kid is theirs.

You nervously clear your throat in an effort to catch her attention as her expression has now moved from serious concern to pissed off angst.

But she’s not catching your movements. She didn’t notice the *ahem* and she didn’t notice the *sigh* and now you REALLY start to worry…

Is she trying to find the way to tell you that it really isn’t as big as she said? Is she trying to figure out if that body buried in that field will decompose before the cops find it? Is she remembering that first kiss and how she should have stuck to her guns and commented on the garlic? Is it terminal? Is it divorce? Is it homicidal? Is it clowns?

It’s all or nothing now….her expression has moved to fervent grief. She looks like she could pick up a bat and start swinging in a kill them all, let God sort them out kind of way.

She’s chewing on her lower lip. She’s clenching her teeth. She’s fidgeting in her seat.

Her toes are wriggling. Her ice blue eyes are narrowing.

You look over at the kids, and silently ask them to wish you luck as you break the lock off Pandora’s box and brace yourself for the onslaught.

“Honey,” you say, trying to find the courage and the breath for words, “what’s wrong? You’ve looked off all night. Like something is bothering you?”

She turns her head to look at you. Dead in the eye. She’s showing teeth. She takes a deep breath.

And then,

only then,

smiles.

“Ohhh….I’m stuck on a f***ing sex scene and I can’t figure it out. I mean, I know where this is going and I know what I want them to do but I…just…can’t….get…it….right.”

“Are you sure?” You ask, not believing what you are hearing.

“Of course,” she says, still smiling. “What did you think it was?”

16 comments to “Special Guest Blogger: My Husband”

  1. Scary Monster
    Comment
    1
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 4:17 am · Link

    This be refreshing. Getting a different veiw of Mrs.December at work. Monster sez that Mr. December should post here at least once a month to give us all true insights into the mad workings of an artist’s mind.

    Post Stomp: Grey Goose vodka? Kinda snazzy ain’t you guys? No worries it goes down better than the Japanese women wearing black PVC.

    STOMP.



  2. Bernita
    Comment
    2
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 5:32 am · Link

    “if maybe she’s found that stack of magazines featuring the Japanese women who like the black PVC and red lollipops that are hidden behind the shoebox in the closet”

    …man, you are so dead.



  3. Robyn
    Comment
    3
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 8:06 am · Link

    So, your hubs is gorgeous and smart AND funny. I should sooo hate you.



  4. BernardL
    Comment
    4
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 8:18 am · Link

    Oh yea, that captures it perfectly: the Twilight Zone of wife’s silent angst, and whether you’re starring in it. :)



  5. Gabriele C.
    Comment
    5
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 10:38 am · Link

    Roflol.

    The nubile young maiden at work a man talks about are not the problem. It’s the ones he doesn’t mention you’ll have to keep an eye out for. :)



  6. Karen Erickson
    Comment
    6
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 10:44 am · Link

    Hahahahahahaha I loved this. :)



  7. Kirsten Imma Saell
    Comment
    7
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 11:41 am · Link

    Is she trying to figure out if that body buried in that field will decompose before the cops find it?

    Am I morbid? Because this scenario was the funny-because-it’s-true-est of the whole bunch for me.

    All right, that one and the Japanese women with the red lollipops…;)

    -kis



  8. Michele Lee
    Comment
    8
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 2:11 pm · Link

    Too funny. I was just trying to explain to my hubby how I was rather irritated that my daughter suddenly decided to be extra lovey…. right as I was getting into the “they get to actually have sex for the first time” scene in my WIP.



  9. catie
    Comment
    9
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 2:18 pm · Link

    OMG, hilarious! Um, he was just kidding about the Asian porn mags…right? 😀



  10. Rebecca
    Comment
    10
    · September 3rd, 2007 at 6:02 pm · Link

    ha ha. Your husband is funny! And he writes very well….kinda like…a…writer???



  11. Anonymous
    Comment
    11
    · September 4th, 2007 at 8:53 am · Link

    “Maybe she been carrying on with half of what’s left of Lynyrd Skynyrd and she’s trying again to remember which kid is theirs.”

    LMAO

    Great job Mr. DQ -except you might want to keep your dream about co-workers on the down-low. -V95



  12. Demon Hunter
    Comment
    12
    · September 4th, 2007 at 1:37 pm · Link

    ROFLMFAO!! Too damn funny! :*)



  13. Vicki
    Comment
    13
    · September 4th, 2007 at 1:42 pm · Link

    That was great! I agree with the above, you should post at least once a month. And it would seem there might be two writers in the house. Maybe a book between the two of you is in order. :)



  14. cyn
    Comment
    14
    · September 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm · Link

    now i’m expecting to read about the helpful enactment of said sex scene…because husbands are always there to lend a helping…hand. HAHA!!!



  15. Seeley deBorn
    Comment
    15
    · September 4th, 2007 at 7:28 pm · Link

    Ok. I’m dying laughing here…not just at the post but at my husband.

    We, of the great minds, have both had our men as guest bloggers this week. Mine liked yours but when he reached the bottom his response was:

    “She has 14 comments!?”

    Mine has 8 and apparently it’s a competition.

    ROTFLMAO



  16. Camille Alexa
    Comment
    16
    · September 4th, 2007 at 11:50 pm · Link

    Do Seeley and December BOTH have their men guest blogging? Super cute.



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