Oh, how I hate writing about men’s underwear.
See, here’s my problem. I’m just plain wierd.
For some reason, although I know men in the real world wear underwear, and although I don’t find anything about men’s underwear intrinsically unsexy, I have such a hard time including men’s underwear in sex scenes. Or even regular scenes. So I often write heroes who don’t wear any.
But that’s kind of gross, isn’t it? I mean, if you think about it, not only would a man with no underwear be risking all sorts of zipper injuries, but all sorts of, um, fluids and such would get all over his pants.
This is the same reason I rarely write women who don’t wear undies. C’mon. We’ve all seen the trainwreck that is Britney and her love of ungracefully exiting from various automobiles, thus flashing us her stubbly ladyparts. Am I the only one who looks at that and thinks, not only is it just tacky, but…eeew! Her dresses must need some serious cleaning after every wearing.
(Yes, I realize this is a disgusting post. But you know what? I’m just this brave, to tackle the unpleasant little topics.)
The problem with men’s underwear is that it’s only sexy if it’s somewhat prim. A man who wears little tiny undies just seems like kind of an egotistical jerk, really. But neither is it especially appealing in a sex scene to have to talk about lifting the undies up so that, um, they won’t catch on anything when they’re tugged down. Removing ladies’ panties is simple, they slide right off (or are torn off, which is always nice in a book when it’s not your own panties, probably expensive and specially purchased, which have inflamed the man to such a point that he needs to destroy them. Sexy in real life, too, believe me, but not as much fun after when you’re thinking, “My favorite panties!” or “That’s forty bucks down the drain.”)
And there are so many lovely ways to describe ladies’ panties. (I love the phrase “ladies’ panties”.) They’re scraps of silk and lace, or just plain silky or lacy, or even triangles of silk, or sweetly cotton if you happen to be writing a heroine who likes more basic undies–but cotton panties don’t tear easily, be warned. I had a few velvet pairs once, which was fun, and would be fun to write about. Women’s panties slide under a man’s fingers.
Men’s? I dare you to think of a sexy phrase to describe men’s underwear. They’re utiliatarian. At least, they’d better be, because what kind of manly hero wears silky panties? Even silk boxers feel a little twee for a fully grown man, like he’s hiding not only those (under his clothing, see) but some sort of nanny fantasy as well. Men’s underwear is cotton. It has a thick elastic waistband. Thick elastic on pretty much anything just isn’t sexy. It is not sexy to write about pulling away a thick elastic waistband.
But really, men should wear underwear. Their bits dangle. They need support. And nobody wants to see exact outlines against the fabric when a man sits down. That’s just creepy. Not to mention those pesky fluids. And those treacherous zippers.
So what do you guys think?