What Stace had to say on Monday, September 8th, 2008
Scene Crit 1

Okay, today is our first crit!

I’m going to post the scene below, and encourage everyone to comment! I’m not moderating comments, because I have faith in all of you, so please prove that I’m correct in believing my readers are the rockinest.

I haven’t made any comments here; I’m going to post my crit later today.

Also, I have changed the H/h names in all the scenes to Jack and Jill. Any secondary character mentioned will be Bob or Betty.

So here we go…have fun!

He stretched my arms over my head and yanked my tunic off. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he brought up one hand to fondle my breast, massaging it, running the flat of his hand lightly over my firm nipple, then tugging on it until I arched my back. He lowered his head and took the other nipple in his mouth, rolling it around with his tongue.

I held his head, entwining my fingers in his thick hair. My groin ached from wanting him so badly. I rocked my hips against his and he groaned. Moving my hands to his pants once more, I tugged on them, but Jack grabbed my wrists, pinning them over my head as he once again found my mouth. After kissing me ravenously, he moved his lips to my neck then my breasts, then my abdomen, at last running his tongue under the edge of my pants.

He had made it clear he didn’t want me to take off his pants quite yet, but I hoped an invitation to remove mine would not be ignored. Bracing my feet, I lifted my hips off the bed. He reached under and placed his hands firmly on my ass, squeezing it, as he used his teeth to untie the leather strip holding my breeches closed.

Just feeling the heat of his breath through the leather was almost enough to push me over the edge.

Once he had finished, his hands moved inside the pants and slid them over my rear and down my legs, as Jack followed their path closely with his mouth. When they were off, he reversed the course of both his hands and lips until they had both returned to my waist. Dipping his head between my legs, his tongue found my clitoris, flicking at it playfully.

I gripped the rough wood of the bed frame and bit my lip to keep from crying out.

His hands squeezed my ass as his tongue delved into the cleft between my legs. He explored every inch of me with his mouth and tongue. When I thought I couldn’t handle any more, he slowly trailed kisses up my belly until he found my breasts and gently kissed each firm nipple. The gentle touch sent shivers down my spine. Playing his fingers across my stomach, he kissed me passionately.

I tried for his pants again, but he stopped my hands. “Please, Jack,” I begged.

“Are you certain you want this, Jill?” The look in his blue eyes was full of pain, as if he expected me to say no.

My fingers traced the line of his jaw, and he turned his head, kissing the palm of my hand. I closed my eyes, allowing the sensation to tingle all the way down my arm. When I opened them again, I locked gazes with him. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain of anything.”

At last he stood and let me untie his pants and push them past his hips. His thick hard cock stood ready and willing. I started to kneel, wanting to taste him as he had me, but Jack pulled me up. “It has been too long for me, Jill; I will not last through that.”

Sadly, I ran my palm along the tight smooth skin of his shaft and watched him tremble. As he lowered me to the bed, I whispered, “Maybe next time.”

A sexy, knowing, very male smile crossed his face then, totally at odds with the words he spoke, “If you would do me the honor of a next time.”

Without waiting for a response, he pressed his lips to mine and slid his hard length inside me. Filling me. Making me feel as if I couldn’t breathe. He pulled back and re-entered me with long gentle strokes. I arched my back and his hand found my nipple, rolling it between his fingers. And he thought he wouldn’t last. His teeth scraped along my lip and I moaned in pleasure and longing. “Please… please…” I murmured into his mouth.

He must have heard me. Either that or he felt the need for release as strongly as I did. His thrusts quickened and his kisses became rougher and more feral.

My hands gripped his buttocks, fingernails digging into his skin as he pushed me closer and closer to the edge. When I was certain I couldn’t contain myself any longer, he growled against my lips and gave one final deep thrust. Together we exploded in ecstasy. Then, exhausted, trembling, limbs entwined, we held each other as if afraid the other would disappear if we let go.

Smiling gently at Jack, I saw an aura around us of writhing colors shot through with sparks of bright, almost blinding light. As I closed my eyes and snuggled tighter into Jack’s embrace, I realized Bob had been right. What Jack and I had was a different sort of magic entirely.

6 comments to “Scene Crit 1”

  1. Bernita
    Comment
    1
    · September 8th, 2008 at 6:44 am · Link

    “Are you certain you want this, Jill?” The look in his blue eyes was full of pain, as if he expected me to say no.”
    Donno, but seems to me this comment is out of place and incongruous.No indication of uncertainty before.



  2. BernardL
    Comment
    2
    · September 8th, 2008 at 7:30 am · Link

    Oh ‘my’ God. There were three my’s in the first sentence, only a hint of what was to come later. :)



  3. Seeley deBorn
    Comment
    3
    · September 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am · Link

    K, first off, I find first person sex-scenes very distancing (weird, I know, but I do), and this was no different. I don’t feel like I was very far into the character’s head with this at all. The only emotional reaction to the encounter was in the dialogue. There was no internal connection. He turned her on physically, but no other way. (This is the pot calling the kettle black. You’ll see what I mean when D posts my excerpt.)

    And pants. “Pants” is a modern term that I think is derived from pantaloons. All of the other clothing descriptions (tunic, leather breeches) sounded historical. Pants are not. *yank* goes me, right out of the story.



  4. kirsten saell
    Comment
    4
    · September 8th, 2008 at 10:15 am · Link

    Keeping in mind that as far as being published goes, I’m rather a newb with only three books under contract with an epub. And these are all just my opinions–YMMV.

    This is first person, and that’s a hard sell for me, especially during sex scenes. That said, this wasn’t bad. It could be lots better, though.

    Don’t know how one would avoid all the “my”s in first person, Bernard, but yeah, they do feel very repetitive after a while. If there is any way at all to trim them down, I would do that.

    After kissing me ravenously, he moved his lips to my neck then my breasts, then my abdomen, at last running his tongue under the edge of my pants.

    Yes, you should try to shake up your sentence structures, but “after” sentences are always distancing–at least for me–and shouldn’t be used when you’re trying to increase reader intimacy. In sex and fight scenes, they just pull me right out of the scene. (Same with sentences that start with “before [blank]ing, he…)

    There’s a lot about what he’s doing to her, how she’s reacting physically (or lust-wise) but not a lot of emotional layering for her–and virtually nothing about him. Are his lips hot? How does his hair feel in her hands, other than “thick”? What does he even look like? Are his eyes burning as he watches her? Does he look like he wants to eat her alive?

    e.g:

    I started to kneel, wanting to taste him as he had me, but Jack pulled me up.// “It has been too long for me, Jill; I will not last through that.”

    You need to put something in the // about his expression, how tense or thick or gravelly his voice is, the muscle jumping in his clenched jaw, anything. I’m just not feeling his urgency.

    Filling me. Making me feel as if I couldn’t breathe.

    Likewise, how does it make her feel as if she can’t breathe? Is it like a knife of pleasure stabbing up her torso? Is her heart kicking so hard it’s driving the breath from her lungs?

    When I was certain I couldn’t contain myself any longer, he growled against my lips and gave one final deep thrust. Together we exploded in ecstasy.

    The whole simultaneous orgasm thing is not my fave. I always like to have one of them start–she comes, and the feel of her muscle contractions sends him over the edge, or he comes and the last slam of his pubic bone on her clitoris, or the wash of his semen against her womb sets off her orgasm. That way, you get to describe both climaxes, too. Again, YMMV, and I’m sure there are folks out there who disagree.

    So yeah, this isn’t really ready as a scene, but it is a good beginning. Give us more of him, more of her emotions, layer in more physical description of his emotions, and it could be great. Half again or twice as many words would serve well here.



  5. December/Stacia
    Comment
    5
    · September 9th, 2008 at 4:42 am · Link

    Right, Bernita. His doubt is part of the plot, but I echo your feelings that it should manifest earlier in the scene as well. If he’s torn or doubtful it would add a nice touch of hesitancy and/or desperation to the rest of the scene.

    I think that’s one of the hardest things about writing first-person, Bernard! It’s another reason I don’t write in it myself.

    Right there with you on the first-person sex, Seeley. Critting this was a huge challenge for me (and I believe we have at least one more first POV scene to come) because I just don’t connect well with them in general (Caitlin Kittredge’s Night Life scene was a rare exception; I thought that scene worked *very* well.) As for pants, it didn’t bother me so much except for the repeating of it.

    Kis, my issue with the simultaneous orgasms is it often feels rushed. Like, “And then they came and it was over,” you know. I don’t mind them both hitting the wall at the same time if I have a sense that it’s, um, coming, or if it’s an indicator of how well they know each other or how in tune they are, that sort of thing.

    GREAT comments, everyone! Anybody here have time to beta read for me, lol? (No, seriously.)



  6. Seeley deBorn
    Comment
    6
    · September 9th, 2008 at 7:50 am · Link

    Beta for you??

    *jumping up and down in my seat, hand straight up in the air* Mistah Kahtair!!!



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