Comments on: Scene Crit 5 http://www.staciakane.net/2008/09/12/scene-crit-5/ Author of Urban Fantasy Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:56:28 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: BernardL http://www.staciakane.net/2008/09/12/scene-crit-5/#comment-5741 BernardL Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:19:00 +0000 http://www.staciakane.net/2008/09/12/scene-crit-5/#comment-5741 Although a very credible first person POV, this piece uses far too many weak verbs as in the two examples below. <br/><br/>'In a half of a heartbeat, he had knocked the gun out of my hand and lifted me against the wall.'<br/><br/>In half a heartbeat, Jackerton knocked the gun from my hand and lifted me against the wall.<br/><br/>'And my body was responding, just as it had last night'<br/><br/>And my body responded, as it had last night<br/><br/>Also telling rather than showing turned up as in the line below:<br/><br/>'Then the orgasm built—and then it exploded, all at once.'<br/><br/>I admire anyone who takes on first person POV. Although a very credible first person POV, this piece uses far too many weak verbs as in the two examples below.

‘In a half of a heartbeat, he had knocked the gun out of my hand and lifted me against the wall.’

In half a heartbeat, Jackerton knocked the gun from my hand and lifted me against the wall.

‘And my body was responding, just as it had last night’

And my body responded, as it had last night

Also telling rather than showing turned up as in the line below:

‘Then the orgasm built—and then it exploded, all at once.’

I admire anyone who takes on first person POV.

]]> By: Robyn http://www.staciakane.net/2008/09/12/scene-crit-5/#comment-5739 Robyn Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:04:00 +0000 http://www.staciakane.net/2008/09/12/scene-crit-5/#comment-5739 The "screwing my sister or killing my mother" threw me for a bit- I assume it's either a joke or explained elsewhere. Mommy killing is kind of a downer.<br/><br/>But I did like the urgency; it read well. The “screwing my sister or killing my mother” threw me for a bit- I assume it’s either a joke or explained elsewhere. Mommy killing is kind of a downer.

But I did like the urgency; it read well.

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