What Stace had to say on Monday, April 12th, 2010
KFC: The Microcosm

So earlier today I happened to see something online about the KFC “Double Down” sandwich, which made me immediately think of the Luther Burger, although the version I’d always heard of the Luther Burger involved two jelly donuts used as buns, not grilled glazed donuts, but whatever. The point is, the Double Down sort of resembles the Luther Burger, in that it is disgustingly fatty and is probably delicious if you like that sort of thing; it’s bacon and cheese between two fried chicken fillets.

Anyway, while I have no desire to try to Double Down, reading about it did sort of make me want to have KFC for dinner, simply because why not, it’s been months and months. Hubs opted for Arby’s instead, which was right nearby; he went through the drive-thru there after dropping me off at the KFC to order for me and the kiddies.

Aaanyway. I guess we got there right after the dinner rush or something, because I had to wait a while after I ordered. No problem, I don’t mind. So I got the drinks (remember when you weren’t expected to fill your own cups at the soda dispensers? And how nice that was? I mean, I know fast food is cheap, but really, if I’m expected to work for my food it should be even cheaper. Sorry if that’s whiney; I’ve worked in fast food and I know how shitty it is, but seriously. It’s just weird to be handed an empty cup. Like I’m being told to get it my damn self if I want a damn drink so bad.)

So I get the drinks and stand at the counter, watching the two or three KFC employees racing around trying to fill orders. There was one guy who ordered before me, and then a Boy Scout troop leader who I guess also ordered before me but had wandered off to do something else. He appeared at the counter beside me, in his little Boy Scout outfit, complete with stupid just-below-the-knee shorts. Seriously, men? Stop wearing those fucking things, you look ridiculous in them. It does not, as you may imagine, provide you with some sort of Devil-May-Care insouciance. It makes you look like some creepy serial killer whose Mommy raised him as a girl. Plus, they make you look short and fat. ALL of you. Those things would make Ryan Reynolds look short and fat, and we all know Ryan Reynolds is built like a god or something. A God of sexy-body-ness:

Note the long pants

Note the long pants

You are a grown man. Wear pants.

So anyway, there I am standing next to–a respectful distance from–Mr. Boy Scout Man in his dorky manboy shorts with his gut hanging over them and his militaristic haircut. The KFC guy hands him his tray, which has his little plastic-plated meal on it. Boy Scout Shortfatshorts Man informs the counter guy, a little nastily, that he is also supposed to have a Double Down sandwich (!!Win!!) and a macaroni and cheese. Fine. Counter guy goes to get them. I glance away.

When I look back, BoyScoutFauntleroy has unwrapped his plastic fork and is eating his green beans. Standing up. At the counter. Just shoveling those green beans in, as if he’s in his own home, and there are not people forced to stand right near him and see this.

At first I–trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because surely no grown man thinks this is okay to do–thought he was just checking to see if they were hot, but no. He ate all of them. In like a minute. While standing there at the counter.

At this point another Boy Scout enters. Turns out he is the owner of the Double Down and the mac and cheese. I can’t tell if he’s also a troop leader or if he’s just a Scout whose leader has decided part of his leadership role is to help the boy win a badge for First Coronary Bypass or something. Anyway, Leader hands him his DD, and the kid’s iPhone falls to the floor.

They both stare at each other. For like ten seconds. Like the kid has just dropped a nude photo of the leader’s wife or a human finger or something. By now, both the red-shirted guy and myself are drawn into this fascinating Scouty drama. Finally Leader speaks. “You dropped your ipod.” Kid says, “Yeah,” and stands there with his Double Down, looking rather stupid, frankly. Leader says, “Are you going to pick it up?” And then they both sort of reach for it, and step back, and reach again. Finally the kid picks it up and skulks off to sit down, clutching his iphone and his sandwich.

Leader returns to his plate at the counter, and demands mayo. Oh boy. Apparently he still has to wait for the mac and cheese, but he’s not wasting any time, oh no. He splits his biscuit. He squeezes an entire packet of mayonnaise onto half of it. My stomach churns (I hate mayo, but since even my mayo-loving hubs has agreed with me that the thought of a mayonnaise-covered biscuit is indeed gross I won’t attribute my disgust at this to my own mayo-loathing). He puts the top back on the biscuit, and eats it. Still standing at the counter in his stupid short pants.

By now I’m trying to look anywhere else to keep from laughing. I’m also, for the first time in my life, being glad that I did not have any boy-children, because the idea that someone who thinks it’s okay to be unnecessarily rude to fast-food employees and eat foods that require forks AND biscuit/mayo sandwiches standing at the counter of a fast-food restaurant while other people are standing right there waiting for their food as well might one day have any sort of influence on a child of mine is truly horrifying. Seriously, is this the calibre of man the Boy Scouts are reduced to these days? Or has it always been like that and I just didn’t know it? I mean, my Girl Scout experiences were less than impressive, to say the least, but I always sort of assumed Boy Scouts got to do cool stuff with Jeremiah-Johnson-esque Real Men, not this rude, gross, stunted dork in Romper Room Playwear.

Thankfully I am spared from having to watch him dig into his chicken. His mac and cheese arrives and he wanders off to finish his meal, while the red-shirt guy and I exchange A Look. His was hysterical, actually, a sort of little frown and headshake that made me giggle a lot.

Then my food arrived–the poor KFC guy gave me a whole extra meal to make up for the wait, which was totally unnecessary because I couldn’t even finish the meal I ordered (popcorn chicken) but was nice. And we headed home, while I reflected on the sad, sad state of the world.

19 comments to “KFC: The Microcosm”

  1. Lura
    · April 13th, 2010 at 3:03 am · Link

    WOW. 😯

    I alternated between giggling at the audacity and pitying you and your fellow in-liners.

    Yeah, I had more to say (I think), but as it’s 5 am here, I’m going to bed now.

    Lura ^_^

  2. T.M. Thomas
    · April 13th, 2010 at 7:17 am · Link

    I may have snapped on incompetent KFC workers the other day. I always feel bad when I do it. But it tends to happen in the face of sheer incompetence. (Hence the term we have for it in my house, “Uhoh, todd’s going to ‘go McDonald’s.'”

    None of which was the point of your post or had anything to do with it. I’m just ill at the thought of mayo-on-biscuit (two things I don’t like) and really am trying to unread that by babbling.

    • RJones
      · April 13th, 2010 at 7:44 am · Link

      Wow, that’s uhm… Wow. Glad it happened to you and not me. πŸ˜‰

      My girl scout experiences were mostly lesbian orgies. And I know that heavily influenced who I became as an adult. Those poor kids in that boy scout troop are going to make the world an even nastier place one day.

      • RJones
        · April 13th, 2010 at 7:45 am · Link

        Yeah, apparently threaded comments are too complicated for me. Like Xerox machines.

      • Stace
        · April 13th, 2010 at 2:00 pm · Link

        Yeah, I imagine lots of lesbian orgies would definitely influence who you are as an adult. Your GS troop sounds way more interesting than mine. We just did lame crafts and got verbally abused by our bitchy troop leader.

    • Stace
      · April 13th, 2010 at 1:58 pm · Link

      Oh, I get pissy about incompetence, absolutely. But in this case they were clearly understaffed and overworked, and were all just trying to do the best they could. It was totally unnecessary to be rude to them.

  3. Marko Kloos
    · April 13th, 2010 at 10:45 am · Link

    You had me at “…rude, gross, stunted dork in Romper Room Playwear.”

    • Stace
      · April 13th, 2010 at 2:01 pm · Link

      *bows, smiles*

  4. Moonsanity (Brenda H.)
    · April 13th, 2010 at 1:48 pm · Link

    I AM truly sorry you had to experience this, BUT I really needed the laugh. I can’t stop giggling. I just found out my damn van needs a new transmission. I’ve been moping around, pissed off, all day since I found out. At least now I’m giggling hysterically. πŸ˜† Seriously though, I have NEVER seen someone start eating at the counter like that. I have two teen boys, and they never did that crap, even when they were small. I shudder to think this man is passing along his manners to children. How the hell can he be a “leader”. I wonder if he’s divorced? Because I’m not sure how someone could stay married to a man with manners like that. I’d have stabbed him during the first date. 😈

    • Stace
      · April 13th, 2010 at 2:05 pm · Link

      Yeah, I mean, I can forgive when someone plucks a fry out of the box as they walk away, or whatever, but green beans? The mayo/biscuit sandwich? That’s a man who was just not raised right.

      And heh heh heh, I do like to look at Ryan. 😈 Sorry to hear about your transmission, what a pain in the ass.

  5. Moonsanity (Brenda H.)
    · April 13th, 2010 at 1:49 pm · Link

    Oh, and by the way….do not think you fooled me with that photo of Ryan. That had NOTHING to do with your story. BAHAHAHAHA I do appreciate good eye candy along with my giggles though.

  6. Tyhitia
    · April 13th, 2010 at 8:54 pm · Link

    Bwwaaahhhaahhaa! I’ve seen some things. :roll: Remind me to tell you about them. LOL. πŸ˜†

    I like buscuits and mayo–but not together–eww.

    That was just so sad. Glad you didn’t give the workers any grief. That Man Scout was lucky.

    As an aside, I am never rude to people who fix my food. 😯

    • Stace
      · April 16th, 2010 at 11:35 am · Link

      It’s really never a good idea to be rude to those who fix your food, no. I mean, I’ve worked in food service and have honestly never seen the fabled “sneeze muffin” or anything like that, but I have seen–and done myself–the “grabbing the smallest, oldest item” or “letting the plate sit a few extra minutes” or whatever.

      I just figure, you can tell what kind of person someone is by how they treat people like waitresses, counter clerks, fast-food employees.

  7. Seeley deBorn
    · April 13th, 2010 at 10:27 pm · Link

    Read the whole thing but all I remember is the pic of Ryan Reynolds. Man is totally underrated.

    … something about chicken maybe?…

    • Stace
      · April 16th, 2010 at 11:36 am · Link

      Hahaha! I wonder how many hits this post would have gotten if I’d tweeted “Shirtless Ryan Reynolds” instead of “Rude Boy Scout Man.”

  8. BernardL
    · April 16th, 2010 at 10:19 am · Link

    “Seriously, men? Stop wearing those fucking things, you look ridiculous in them. It does not, as you may imagine, provide you with some sort of Devil-May-Care insouciance. It makes you look like some creepy serial killer whose Mommy raised him as a girl.”

    LMAO! Nope, in reality, boy scout adult volunteers run the gamut of appearance and personality just like soccer moms. :)

    • Stace
      · April 16th, 2010 at 11:37 am · Link

      See, all the soccer moms around here look exactly alike. Flowery top, capri pants. Just like the vast majority of men, in their off-hours, seem to wear below-the-knee shorts, ankle socks, and Nikes, with an untucked polo or t-shirt.

  9. writtenwyrdd
    · April 16th, 2010 at 11:14 am · Link

    OMG, still snorting laughter! I love your posts. And I have never seen anyone eat at a fast food counter. Eck.

    but if I ever do, I shall use the cell phone (conspicuously) to take either video or a photo and post it all over the internet. Yup. Just the retaliation that guy needs. :)

    • Stace
      · April 16th, 2010 at 11:40 am · Link

      Now that is a great idea!

      I have seen the fry-grab on occasion, and I really don’t mind it, because fries are delicious, yo. Who can resist? Lol. (Actually, I do resist, but the fry-grab is at least fairly self-contained and sanitary.) When I worked concessions at a movie theatre we often had people who would pluck a few pieces of popcorn off the top of their bag and eat it while they walked into the movie, and again, it didn’t bother me so much (though I didn’t like it). But green beans? With a fork? The mayo biscuit? Dude, you’re not starving. You can wait.


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