What Stace had to say on Tuesday, July 24th, 2012
Be Rich and Famous! The Internet Way

NOTE: For the next few days I am turning my blog over to my dear friend Auntie Specialsnowflake,* who will teach new authors everything they need to know about Promoting Their Books, Making Themselves Famous, and WINNING THE INTERNETS.** I urge you all to follow these tips to the letter. I think we’ve all seen recently how well this works. Fame and money will soon be yours!

Okay, guys. We all know it’s hard to get attention out there. And we especially all know just how…well, how goddamned unfair that is, right? After all, you are special. You deserve far, far more than you’ve been getting.

Well, this is your lucky day! Because Auntie Specialsnowflake is here to help you make piles and piles of internet money, and rocket yourself to International Fame! And it will be SO EASY!

First, let’s establish a basic or two. A couple of things you need to know; The Players, as it were:

1. YOU. You wrote a book. Maybe you decided to hop on the Amazonmoneywagon and self-publish, because everyone knows if you do that you’ll be a millionaire overnight. Maybe you went the commercial route. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is:

You wrote a book, and that means you deserve huge money and fame and proves you are automatically superior to all those lesser beings who either did not write books or did not write good books (i.e. they did not write YOUR book). It especially makes you far superior to those pesky beings called “readers,” but we’ll get to them in a minute. For now, this is all you need to keep in mind:

Do not forget this

2. Now. What is it you deserve, because you wrote a book? Why, fame, fortune, adoration…just the basic things, of course. Certainly you deserve NOTHING BUT PRAISE. Which leads us to…well, The Adversary. We’ll call them readers:

Readers: Vicious, cowardly, stupid beasties. You must beat them at all costs.

I can hear you already. “But Auntie Specialsnowflake! Aren’t readers, you know, the people who give me money for my work and stuff?”

Yes. Yes, they are. That doesn’t mean you have to be nice to them, stupe. In fact, it’s best not to. Here’s why:

A. Readers are not smart, ever. They learn nothing by doing that reading thing. Certainly they are not as smart as you. Hey, I don’t see them writing books, the losers.

B. Readers cannot be trusted to recognize your talent. They can’t be trusted to always love your work and praise you. This horrifying situation must be remedied.

C. Readers–I can hardly bring myself to type this, even–cannot be trusted to keep their mouths shut when they do not like your book. They seem to think that reading your book gives them the right to say whatever they like about it, even if–man, this is hard!–even if it is not praise. The nerve of them, I know. Please sit down for a minute to get over the shock. Just breathe.

D. They compound all of these errors by thinking that just being able to read makes all of this okay, even though they have not written books of their own, and therefore cannot understand the fragile and special bond between a writer and his or her Book Baby, or all the hard work that went into that book, or how much it matters to us, or how much Mom or Dad (or, of course, Auntie Specialsnowflake) loves it. How the hell do they know what good writing is? Really. I ask you. Idiots. I bet they think they’re capable of judging whether or not a meal is well-cooked even if they are not professional chefs, or whether a car runs even when they are not mechanics, or whether an airplane flight is enjoyable even when they are not pilots, or whether an item of clothing provided adequate cover even though they are not seamstresses. Everybody’s a fucking expert these days, you know? Sheesh. I’m telling you, they are a scourge.

D. Worst of all, readers seem to not realize that their job is solely to love and promote your book–and by extension YOU. It’s like they think they’re totally separate people from us writers, like they don’t have some sort of obligation to us because we wrote a book. They actually don’t think they owe us anything at all, if you can believe that arrogance. They actually think, even, that we shouldn’t tell them what to do or treat them like we expect the deference we so richly deserve. It’s like they’re just walking egos thinking we should let them have opinions of their own or let them talk to each other about our books without us butting in or whatever. I’d as soon let my dog eat at the dinner table, I tell you that.

Luckily, there are things you can do. There are ways to get around these cockroaches-in-human-suits called “readers.” It’s not even hard. Why? Because, like I said, readers are stupid. They actually write their opinions down, on the internet, which is like an open invitation for you to respond. Why, you’re really doing them a favor with some of these things, because otherwise they might go thinking they can make their own decisions about what to read, and we can’t have that nonsense.

Anyway. Now we have the basics. Let’s get started.

The most important thing to remember is that everyone in the world sees everything on the internet every minute of every day. This is key to our promotional strategy and will make you very rich a whole lot faster. You must keep a careful eye on every single mention of your name and make sure that you control that situation totally. For example, let’s say some dumbass has the nerve to think your heroine was stupid. Now, you could just think, “Oh, too bad,” and move on. You could think “I wish I’d written her smarter,” and move on. You could think, “Well, huh, she seems smart enough to me, so oh well, I guess my book just wasn’t right for that person,” and move on.

ALL OF THESE ARE WRONG. If the above is your instinct, you are Not Ready To Be A Real Writer.

The correct response, as everyone knows, is to gently but firmly step in, tell the reader first of all that you see her review, and that she has been remiss in her duty to you by actually forgetting that she is not the person who matters in this little transaction. You are. Explain to her not only why she is wrong about your heroine, but that she was wrong to say such mean things about your book, because who does she think she is? Remind her that her opinions only matter insomuch as how they relate to you and your feelings. She should be happy you’ve done this, as it will make her see how much you care.

“But Auntie,” you say, “That’s fine for some reviews. But what if the reviewer actually, like, made a joke in her review? What if she used one of those four-letter-words that polite ladies do not use ever? What if she said more than one bad thing about the book? What if she was actually morally and intellectually bankrupt enough to hate my book? What do I do?”

Well, of course, not every bit of advice is fit for every situation. Sometimes you must be stricter with those morons. It’s perfectly okay to call them names if they hurt your feelings–after all, our teachers on the playground told us not to do that, but we learned that calling the other girl a poopypants meaniehead made us feel better, didn’t we? And if it was good enough for our five-year-old selves, it’s good enough for us now.

Remember, readers are stupid. They’re like sheep. If one reader in the world likes a book, every single other one will, and vice versa. Readers know this, which is why they never ever disagree about whether or not they like a particular book. If they see one single bad review, or even a lukewarm review, they will run en masse to buy something else. Because, being sheep, they are 100% incapable of making their own decisions based on their own tastes. They don’t even know their own tastes! Look at me, talking about “readers” and “tastes” in the same sentence. Ha ha!

This is why you must control every word said about you everywhere. When a reader posts a review somewhere, it’s like an insect flying into a spider’s web; it sends little vibrations through the whole entire internet and within thirty seconds every reader in the whole world has read that review and decided they love or hate you based on it.

But you know what else will make them love you? Standing up for yourself. Aggressively. Now we’re getting into the advanced promotional techniques, so I warn you: some of this may seem a little strange. But bear with me. You’ll be glad you did when you’re sleeping on mattresses stuffed with money, just like Don Draper. Because really…

THIS IS THE INTERNET. YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG BY MAKING A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF.

Trust me.

So. Your mission is to get that dumb little bitch to change her review, right? You can’t have the readersheep seeing that your heroine is stupid. I mean, this is your livelihood! Don’t they understand it’s their obligation to make sure you earn money through writing? Jeez, you’d think they had their own families to take care of or something, or their own lives to live. Selfish, selfish, selfish, that’s all they are.

How do you do that?

There are a number of ways.

We’ve already covered responding yourself. This is a good and right thing to do. Not just because it will show that moronic reader who really matters, but because it will draw attention to you. Remember, attention is the name of the game! The more people see you, the more people who will immediately rush out to buy your book.

But what if you did, and the reader is too stupid to be grateful that you have turned your Glorious Author’s Eye onto her, and allowed her to bask in its gentle Sodium Glow of Truth. Trust me, she’s posting her review just to get your attention. Readers are attention whores, see. They pretend they’re just trying to talk about books, but really, they are desperately trying to steal your own Internet Fame. (There is only so much internet to go around.) Do not fall for their claims that this is just their opinion (we know that’s not true, due to them being a hivemind) and especially do not fall for their claims that they have a right to their own opinions. They do NOT.

See, in addition to their sheeplike, easily led “brains” (I know, it makes me giggle too), readers are sometimes incapable of accepting your superiority over them. Much like South and Native Americans who failed to immediately bow down to the Conquistadors, so readers will try to pretend that you are not better than they are, and will resist your attempts to correct this problem. This is because of their own silly insecurities, their tendency toward attention whoring, their sluggish pea-like minds, their lack of morals, their denial of responsibility, and their sick, sad need to put other people down just for achieving something they could not themselves achieve. I repeat: if readers were so damn smart they’d write their own books. AmIright? Of course I am! I wouldn’t steer you wrong.

Tomorrow we’ll get into the nitty-gritty of the battle. Don’t forget to come back, and learn everything you need to know about vanquishing those idiots who buy books and crushing both their free will and, hopefully, their personal lives. It’s nothing less than they deserve.

YOU WILL BE A HERO

ANOTHER NOTE: Auntie Specialsnowflake is happy to answer questions and give advice on any sort of publishing subject. Just use the contact form on the website here. I’ll pass your questions along and post answers as we go or in a separate post or whatever, depending.

*Do I really have to explain that this is satire? Please tell me I don’t.
**This does not work. Ever. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Special thanks to the adorable and talented and awesome Carolyn Crane for inspiring me to create my own drawings to illustrate this post rather than hunting for some online and potentially violating copyrights.

30 comments to “Be Rich and Famous! The Internet Way”

  1. Roswita
    Comment
    1
    · July 24th, 2012 at 8:17 am · Link

    I really resonate with this, Auntie! Everyone knows that all publicity is good publicity. Your spectacle comment is nothing the the gods-honest truth. I am in awe and wish you were my Auntie, too.



    • Roswita
      Comment
      1.1
      · July 24th, 2012 at 8:18 am · Link

      “but the,” not “the the” There goes that spectacle thing. But then, I’m just a reader 😯



    • Stace
      Comment
      1.2
      · July 24th, 2012 at 9:20 am · Link

      Auntie is happy to help all who need it.



  2. Jenna
    Comment
    2
    · July 24th, 2012 at 8:45 am · Link

    Tee-hee! Readersheep. May I put that on a t-shirt? Just for me (and you, should you want one). I feel it is important to label myself as unworthy before approaching an author at a signing or con!



    • Stace
      Comment
      2.1
      · July 24th, 2012 at 9:25 am · Link

      Jenna, Auntie is thrilled–yes, thrilled!–that you recognize your rightful place in the world (i.e. beneath the feet of your Authorly Superiors). She thinks making that clear right upfront when approaching them is not only appropriate, but a stellar idea.

      Therefore: Yes. You may indeed make yourself a Readersheep t-shirt.

      (If you can figure out how to remove the white background from any of the images above and put them on a shirt, feel free to do that, too.)



  3. Claire
    Comment
    3
    · July 24th, 2012 at 8:57 am · Link

    You own me a new keyboard – I just spat tea all over mine.

    But seriously, there are very good points here.



  4. Kate
    Comment
    4
    · July 24th, 2012 at 9:06 am · Link

    Congratulations, you win at Internet! Satire is the best, isn’t it?



  5. AE Marling
    Comment
    5
    · July 24th, 2012 at 9:26 am · Link

    Your methods are too bold for me, Auntie Specialsnowflake. Maybe I don’t have it takes to be an Internet Conquistador and Reader-Dragon Slayer. The only time I’ve responded to reader reviews is to ask them for feedback, which I then used to improve my novel. I know. Weakness!

    Those such as myself, the Spineless, can do little more than thank readers for the good reviews they do write. In fact, my protagonist has a twitter account, @LadyofGems, and she shares a jewel picture with each triumphant reviewer.



    • Stace
      Comment
      5.1
      · July 24th, 2012 at 9:30 am · Link

      You’re never going to get anywhere with that kind of attitude, AE. What do you think, readers should be allowed to think what they like?

      It’s that sort of attitude that lets the terrorists win.



  6. Josin
    Comment
    6
    · July 24th, 2012 at 9:29 am · Link

    Oh Auntie! Such wisdom all in one place. 😆 I’d tell you to write a book, but it would probably become a bestseller after being snapped up by people who think this is the actual way to get their name “out there.”

    The sad thing is, satire only works if someone’s willing to read between the lines. The face value “advice” here is what far too many people want to hear and believe; they’d never look deeper. :roll:



  7. BernardL
    Comment
    7
    · July 24th, 2012 at 9:53 am · Link

    LMAO! You definitely need to save this series Stace and do an audio book. You will sell a million. :)



  8. Paige Vest
    Comment
    8
    · July 24th, 2012 at 10:22 am · Link

    😯 This is just too much awesome for one post. I had to take a break before finishing… mostly because the tears of mirth were blurring the words on the screen. *nodnod*



  9. jeffo
    Comment
    9
    · July 24th, 2012 at 10:26 am · Link

    Thanks, Auntie! I think I’ll rush out and self publish my incredible, better-than-everything-even-bacon book right now so I can start employing this winning strategy for fame and fortune! Internets mega-stardom, here I come!



  10. Chelsea / Vampire Book Club
    Comment
    10
    · July 24th, 2012 at 10:42 am · Link

    …everyone in the world sees everything on the internet every minute of every day.

    Now everyone knows I can’t fly, Auntie!! My family has been shamed by this truth. Via the internet.



  11. evilrooster
    Comment
    11
    · July 24th, 2012 at 10:46 am · Link

    Dear Auntie Specialsnowflake,

    This is very useful, but you’ve missed out an important problem with readers! Some of them are actually authors in disguise!

    No! Really! It’s true! I read it on a blog and everything!

    And it’s a biiiiiig problem, because they act like readers: they join reading sites, buy books, and review them. But it’s all a lie. A big fat lie! Because, as you know, if you’re an author, you’re an author ALL THE TIME. So when they write reviews, they’re not readers writing reviews. They’re authors taking their golden opportunity to damage other people’s sales! Because that way their books will sell better!

    They’re just jealous because they didn’t write as awesome a book as the one they’re privileged to be reviewing. Jealous jealous jealous.

    Actually…wait a minute! You’re an author too! You’re not telling us about the sneaky sneaky authors disguised as reviewers because you’re hiding the information from us. Because then we might be able to react, and save our books from their jealous jealous reviews! And then people would find our awesome books and ignore yours!

    IT’S ALL A SINISTER PLOT, EVERYONE. DON’T TRUST AUNTIE SPECIALSNOWFLAKE!

    I bet you’ll even delete this comment because you’re so afraid to let everyone read my warning.

    Also, read my book!



  12. Angie
    Comment
    12
    · July 24th, 2012 at 1:02 pm · Link

    [snerk!]

    Too bad the folks who really need to read this don’t hang out here. Or… well, maybe it’s good that they don’t hang out here. 😛

    Angie



  13. Jackie B Central Texas
    Comment
    13
    · July 24th, 2012 at 3:14 pm · Link

    :smile: Thank heaven for the power of “freedom of speech”, it is nice to come over and laugh my head off without worrying that anything in this post is meant to be taken at face value, however it has some good points hidden in the satire that people who need to hear them will probably never see. (and if they do will not get it anyway!) 😐



  14. littlestrong heart
    Comment
    14
    · July 24th, 2012 at 5:22 pm · Link

    Wow…Auntie…cool. Sounds like little miss poopypants and meaniehead, as well as dumb ass bitch need to go visit Bump and Terrible…betcha thems might have sumfin to impress upon them sheep. 😈



  15. nasanta
    Comment
    15
    · July 24th, 2012 at 6:31 pm · Link

    Some authors must not have gotten the memo. I didn’t get any explanation about why I was wrong about their heroines. :\



    • Stace
      Comment
      15.1
      · July 27th, 2012 at 6:07 am · Link

      Jeez, nasanta. It doesn’t need an explanation. You’re wrong about their heroines because you are stupid.

      Duh!

      Your comment only shows how very much you and the other readersheep need an Author to tell you what’s wrong with you. Which is everything.

      :)



  16. Laura
    Comment
    16
    · July 24th, 2012 at 7:33 pm · Link

    Like I really needed another reason to love you. :-)



  17. Jo
    Comment
    17
    · July 25th, 2012 at 5:35 am · Link

    I was unable to post yesterday, but… Oh Auntie, what a fantastic post! It’s great to finally know what my place is in the hierarchy!

    So looking forward to hearing further words of wisdom, especially your answer to the question I submitted!



  18. Isalys
    Comment
    18
    · July 25th, 2012 at 9:36 am · Link

    Well hot damn, and here I thought I was doing the right thing by taking the time to read and properly judge a book instead of immediately praising its glory upon pulling back the cover. I guess I just let my readersheep show 😯 I am shamed!!

    I now know to bow and swoon in adoration of every author I ever encounter. Thank you so much for showing me the ways, Auntie!!

    *makes note to buy Jenna’s “Readersheep” Tee and wear it like a scarlet letter*



  19. Christen
    Comment
    19
    · July 25th, 2012 at 9:38 am · Link

    We’re supposed to come back inside when it rains? Weird. I’m usually out in the yard in the torrential downpour rubbing my palms together and thinking of ways to ruin another author’s life by writing a review that shares my honest opinion of their book.



    • Stace
      Comment
      19.1
      · July 27th, 2012 at 6:08 am · Link

      See, it sounds like you’e making a very funny joke here, but we all know that you are dead serious.



  20. Belle
    Comment
    20
    · July 25th, 2012 at 6:48 pm · Link

    Marry me?



  21. L.A. Gordon
    Comment
    21
    · July 25th, 2012 at 11:23 pm · Link

    Dammit I knew I picked the wrong side, 😈 . Is it too late to switch :evil:. I’m a fast learner, lol

    I’m loving it.



    • L.A. Gordon
      Comment
      21.1
      · July 25th, 2012 at 11:24 pm · Link

      No wait I forgot I’m too stupid to think for myself, LOL



  22. Carolyn Crane
    Comment
    22
    · July 29th, 2012 at 11:07 am · Link

    Haha!! OMG, how much do I love these mad drawings!! Esp. more dragon! You truly are speshurl. Great post!



  23. John M. Burt
    Comment
    23
    · August 5th, 2012 at 9:56 am · Link

    You’re talking about me, aren’t you?

    I can tell . . . . :{ (



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