What Stace had to say on Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
Your Questions II!

(Before we start Auntie would like to point out that today is the UK/Aus/IRE release of CHASING MAGIC! So, you know, please go buy it.)

This next question is extra-special, because of the level of respect shown by the readersheep in question. Good for you, little sheep! You *might* even qualify as Not Totally Stupid!

Auntie, you’re obviously a wealth of knowledge, and I know, as a moronic reader, I am completely unworthy of your time , but I wanted to thank you. I found your recent post to be a wonderful eye opener – it’s great to finally known exactly what my role as reader actually is! I am extremely grateful for you making it clear, and can’t thank you enough!

However, I have a question, and I can’t quite work out what your thoughts would be. What do you think about authors paying for positive reviews? If the job of readers is “solely to love and promote your book”, then why on earth would you pay such lowly creatures to do what should come naturally? Yet, on the other hand, would it be wise to do so – a pittance of what you will eventually be earning once the world knows you are the World’s Most Talented Author – when everyone will automatically love your book once reading this one positive review, due to the hivemind?

That’s about offering to pay for a positive review, but what about those readers who require – actually have the nerve to ask for – a fee in return for a positive review? Are these particular morons not thinking them superior to the mighty Author? Or are they providing a service, where payment, despite their zero importance, seems fair? I think it would be absolutely fascinating to know hear your opinions on such things – not only would it be great advice for authors, whether to steer clear or to take advantage of, but also to us reviewer readers, so we know how best to help our authors.

Thank you so much for taking time out from advising our godlike authors to read an email from such a lowly reader – if you managed to get this far. I would be beyond humbled to know you gave me the time of day!

Well, I did manage to get that far, but only because of how well you seem to have learned your place. Auntie has no time for readersheep who insist they matter in any way, so it’s nice to see one like you who has learned the error of her me-me-me little ways.

So let’s start at the beginning, which I know is important because try as you might you little sheep are incapable of understanding anything not perfectly linear.

First, you’re right. Authors shouldn’t have to pay for any sort of review, because duh, the free book is payment enough. Even THAT is a slippery slope, in Auntie’s opinion, because it’s frankly giving the readersheep WAY too much power, and swelling their silly little heads to mammoth proportions, to behave as if they deserve anything in return for their obligatory praise. In writing it all should work the other way around: everything for The Author, and nothing for The Reader.

However, because some traitorous authors have actually gotten into the habit of behaving as if the readersheep matter–and I don’t capitalize “Author” there because they are unworthy of it–and especially because of the, well, sheep-like nature of the readersheep which means they move blindly from one book to the next baa-baa-baa-ing as they follow their little sheep pals and buy up anything one of those pals says is any good (and I realize the incongruity of saying “pals,” as if readersheep are capable of feeling things like friendship, when in fact only hatred burns in their dark, envious little hearts)…well. I suppose sometimes we Authors must bite the bullet.

And I admit, giving them free stuff does make it easier later to inform them of their obligations. Much like Don Corleone dealing in favors, so must we be. And our retribution must be as swift, if they make the mistake of thinking they’re entitled to their own opinions.

It is rather confusing, and you being a readersheep I don’t blame you for not immediately knowing how to handle it all. After all, you are not very smart, are you? Poor little dear. What it boils down to, really, is this:

*Readersheep owe Authors positive reviews
*Whatever an Author must do to get positive reviews is justified
*Readersheep have no right to charge for positive reviews, BUT
*If Authors want to pay them for them, that’s fine, because anything Authors do is fine
*At least charging for reviews makes clear that the readersheep are not, as they claim, simply people who love books, but crazed egotists who are desperately trying to exert some sort of control over the behavior and careers of Authors
*Better that we have some paid readersheep out there to sway opinion
*Readersheep are always dumb

Auntie SpecialSnowflake, can you help me write better 5 star reviews? I want to make sure all the amazing and talented authors out there become rich and famous.

As well you should.

Auntie can indeed help, of course, and good for you for recognizing your responsibility! Here are a handy list of phrases you can use:

*The best book I’ve ever read
*Made me cry from its sheer beauty
*I felt like I was inside the story watching it all happen
*Better than {insert bestseller’s name here}
*You wont[sic] be disappointed
*Deserves a Pulitzer Prize
*I’ve never read anything so amazing
*Made me laugh, made me cry, made me cheer! {the exclamation point is very important}
*The most original story I’ve ever read
*Deserves to be a bestseller
*Deserves to be made into a movie

Any combination of those will work very well. And don’t forget, you can also check the five-star Amazon reviews for a number of self-published books to get a whole lot more of them–many of those reviews will even be written by the actual Author, so you know they’re good!

Auntie may still have a question or two in the queue, but tomorrow we may see something different here. It depends.

3 comments to “Your Questions II!”

  1. Jo
    Comment
    1
    · August 2nd, 2012 at 1:17 pm · Link

    Oh my god, I apologise for all the mistakes in my question! Obviously, I was so overwhelmed to be emailing you, Auntie! And I am just a readersheep, so I don’t know how to write any better anyway.

    But yeah, so embarrassed, I am very sorry!

    But I am in awe that you have actually replied! And great to heat that I am Not Totally Stupid! I beat most Readersheep! :D Does this make me almost Auntie’s Pet? Like Teacher’s Pet? A sheepy readery kind of pet?! :grin:

    Thanks so much for the advice! Be extremely grateful for any review copies, never charge, but accept money offered in exchange for a postive review (which I would surely end writing anyway, obviously), and I am dumb! I think that’s everything. Thanks, Auntie! You’re the best! :grin:



  2. BernardL
    Comment
    2
    · August 2nd, 2012 at 9:45 pm · Link

    Thanks to you, Auntie, I will never pay for another positive review. I will demand it as my due. If I don’t get it, I’ll launch my sock puppet lawyers and agents to obliterate the offending review. Power to the… er… ah… sock puppets! :)



  3. Sgaile-beairt
    Comment
    3
    · August 19th, 2012 at 7:20 am · Link

    OMG, here’s one of them for serious: Why Authors Should Always Respond to Negative Reviews

    You CAN’T make this stuff up after all!



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